"I disagree with what you're about to say!"

Recently I had the opportunity to host a local pastor fellowship meeting with about 16 pastors and their wives present. I had chosen the topic study of the age demographics of our church and which areas we are excelling at and which areas we are missing the boat. The begin I drew a pie chart on the board and divided it into quarters labeling them Kids, Teens, Adults, and Seniors to represent the basic areas of ministry a church has. Having said little more, I wanted to stir a little discussion and asked, "Which areas do you find the American church as a whole is doing a good job in, and which areas do you feel we are lacking in?" A few Pastors who are obviously blind to American church trends said, "I don't know that we can really answer that..." Then rose a voice above the rest saying, "Randy, I can see where you are going with this and I disagree with what you are about to say!" He went on telling me why he disagreed with what I was about to say however, I hadn't said anything yet for him to disagree with! For the next several minutes I allowed him to dig a whole as he told all about why he didn't agree with me. In his speech he received many affirming gestures and remarks from other Pastor's present.
Immediately a fence was built down the middle of our group; on one side was everyone who agreed with what he said, and the other group on the side of what I said... although I hadn't said anything, and frankly, I was on his side because he said what I was about to say. Once his whole was deep enough and my blood was boiling enough I interjected as calmly as I could, "_____, You started your speech saying to disagreed with me. I am wondering, the question was, 'Which areas is the church doing good at and which areas is it failing?' What is your answer to this?" After he then answered the question and I asked him this, "Okay, now which areas did you expect me to pick?" After back peddling and denying he every claimed to disagree with me he was bound to an answer but, it was the same answer that he had given! He vehemently said he disagreed with me, took five minutes to tell me why he disagreed with me, and then says that he thinks I agree with him! I am not one to get mad but on the inside my blood was boiling!!! No matter what I said the rest of the meeting I knew that since all I did was retold what he had just said, it sounding like I was only following his direction and not presenting it as my own... the fence was already erected and though we were on the same side it was still dividing. To his credit he did publicly apologize, but that did little for me.
Throughout the afternoon and evening I couldn't get the incident out of my mind. The next day I couldn't get it out of my mind. I got little sleep either of those nights because of the who ordeal, but I knew it wasn't right. God continued to pound my mind with verses like Luke 17.3b-4 If thy brother trespass against thee, rebuke him; and if he repent, forgive him. And if he trespass against thee seven times in a day, and seven times in a day turn again to thee, saying, I repent; thou shalt forgive him. It kept through my mind like a Christmas list through the mind of a child. The verse, the ordeal, the apology, the fence... it was all consuming until I finally had to claim victory. It was not God who was wanting me to hold a grudge, it was Satan! I was holding myself victim to a man that simply made a fool of himself in front of his colleagues. I was allowing his foolish action to plague me and keep me from sleep! Satan was throwing this back into my face and keeping me down.
Lying in bed getting no sleep for the second night in a row I finally had to claim victory over defeat and release this from me. God had been prompting me to give it up all along with the scriptures he brought to my mind, but I wasn't done with it yet. Finally, laying there in the stillness of the night I mentally took my hands off from around the man's neck that I had been wringing for the last days and in turn released the bonds of bitterness and unforgiveness.
Sharing my personal struggle with you is not to tattle on anyone. I get the overwhelming feeling that many of our readers are also holding on to something in their life that they need to let go of. Something of the past is dragging you down in the present. You are not only hurting yourself in self-bondage, you are limiting the work of God in your life, and allowing someone else's foolish actions to control yours. Release yourself from their grasp today.

Getting Along: Conflict Resolution.

You won't get a long with everyone you meet. Duh.

You won't be friends with everyone we get along with. Okay.

You won't get along with everyone we have to live with. Ain't that the truth.

You were told, "Live peaceably with all men" and "Blessed are the peacemakers." Yeah, but...

No matter how we look at it we don't get along with everyone and there are times in life we can't get away from the people we neither like nor get along with. That is just a part of life. Jesus told us in the Sermon on the Mount that there is a blessing though for people who are peacemakers. Paul instructed us that as much as possible we are to live peaceably with all men. This is not instruction that is easy or enjoyable, but necessary to grow in God's love and ways. Humans relationship are what often stand between us and God. If we are not living peaceably with our fellow man, it will be live within the peace of God. There is a common solution but it is not easy.

Conflict between people is likely because of one or more of these reasons: We do not like the way the person is acting or has acted. We do not like the rationale a person has or has had. We do not like the influences that person has upon them. Or, we don't like the choices the person has made, is making , or is about to make. If you think of the people you have conflict with you will agree that the conflict lies in at least one of these areas. Did you notice though that so far everything has to do with the other person. Of course, because in your mind you are automatically correct and the other person is wrong; thus you have a conflict.

I do not want to trivialize your conflict but there are steps to resolve the issue and the are not: 1. I'm right. 2. You're wrong. 3. Get used to it. NO! That only leads to a bigger problem but we like to do those three much more because they are easy and put us in a position of power.

Here are some much better steps which can help, they are all questions to ask yourself... Now, before I tell you them I want to point out that this is all within the bounds of "generally speaking" and they must be looked at as a basic outline for you to custom tailor to your conflict without changing the intent or thought behind them.

1. What type of relationship is this?

2. What is my God given role within this type of relationship?

3. What can I learn/How is God bettering me through this conflict?

4. What action can I take to resolve this conflict without stepping out of the bounds of my role within the relationship?

5. How can I change to resolve this conflict?

6. How can I praise God for this conflict?

I agree that at face value this looks like it would solve nothing because it never even asks the question of "What is the conflict?" but let me give you a scenario that that is a true happening with my counsel to a teenager this week. The issue was that they could not get along with one or more of their parents and here is how these questions were used to resolve the conflict without me every knowing what any of the specific conflicts might be. (I still don't know what they were, it didn't matter.)

"I just don't know what to do... I a just can't get along with my [parent]" is what was told to me. Obviously then I knew that this was a conflict within a parent-child relationship, pointed this out to the person and went on to question number two. This person knows some basic Bible so I asked, "What are you God given role in your relationship? What does God tell you to do as your role within it?" and I had them look up Exodus 20.12 and Ephesians 6.1-3. It took a little while but the response came, "Obey your parents." They didn't really like hearing it but it was true and no matter how much it wasn't liked you can't really argue that instruction if your parents are creating you to break God's moral or spiritual laws. It was made clear that I was not trying to come down hard on anyone or take any ones side in the issue except for God's and we moved on to the next question. "How can God better me through this conflict?" Pretty soon answers came; learning to listen to authority. learning to get a long with people. learning to submit. humility. The list could go on and on... but it hadn't been thought of like this before.
In life we like to look at how we are being wronged and mistreated... victims to everyone and everything, instead of as over comers who can take any situation and see it as a chance that God is strengthening us. Once we had established that this was a way for God to better our lives; even through conflict, then we could move toward possible resolutions because now we had the correct perspective.
"What action can I take to resolve this conflict without stepping out of the bounds of my role within the relationship?" There were some suggested actions mentioned and discussed but some quite different then they would have been if we had not already established our roles and perspective. Then came the kicker, the point that we hate the most because it reverse our nature and selfish way of thinking. We asked the question "How can I change to resolve this conflict?" You can't consider this question if you are still thinking you are right and they are wrong and that is it! Sure, they may be wrong, and you may be right but one thing still stands: you can't change them but you can change yourself. In the case with this teenager and likely with yours, both parties were wanting to be in charge but when you examine the God given roles it was not both of their positions to be in charge. Again, if you hadn't already established the roles you couldn't get to this question. This all leads us to the last question, "How can I praise God for this conflict?" When you resolve a conflict you will find out that it has only strengthened your relationship regardless of who may have had the biggest peace of humble pie to swallow. If it were not for the conflict your relationship would not be as strong as it is afterward and for that you need to thank God... but please, don't see this as an excuse to create another conflict, they will come again soon enough.

God did not intend for his prized creation to live continually at odds with each other so don't. Seek peace with God, man, and even your family. Focus on what God has done and is doing even in the face of conflict and praise him for it. No one would ever have victory it there had never been a war.