Getting Along: Conflict Resolution.

You won't get a long with everyone you meet. Duh.

You won't be friends with everyone we get along with. Okay.

You won't get along with everyone we have to live with. Ain't that the truth.

You were told, "Live peaceably with all men" and "Blessed are the peacemakers." Yeah, but...

No matter how we look at it we don't get along with everyone and there are times in life we can't get away from the people we neither like nor get along with. That is just a part of life. Jesus told us in the Sermon on the Mount that there is a blessing though for people who are peacemakers. Paul instructed us that as much as possible we are to live peaceably with all men. This is not instruction that is easy or enjoyable, but necessary to grow in God's love and ways. Humans relationship are what often stand between us and God. If we are not living peaceably with our fellow man, it will be live within the peace of God. There is a common solution but it is not easy.

Conflict between people is likely because of one or more of these reasons: We do not like the way the person is acting or has acted. We do not like the rationale a person has or has had. We do not like the influences that person has upon them. Or, we don't like the choices the person has made, is making , or is about to make. If you think of the people you have conflict with you will agree that the conflict lies in at least one of these areas. Did you notice though that so far everything has to do with the other person. Of course, because in your mind you are automatically correct and the other person is wrong; thus you have a conflict.

I do not want to trivialize your conflict but there are steps to resolve the issue and the are not: 1. I'm right. 2. You're wrong. 3. Get used to it. NO! That only leads to a bigger problem but we like to do those three much more because they are easy and put us in a position of power.

Here are some much better steps which can help, they are all questions to ask yourself... Now, before I tell you them I want to point out that this is all within the bounds of "generally speaking" and they must be looked at as a basic outline for you to custom tailor to your conflict without changing the intent or thought behind them.

1. What type of relationship is this?

2. What is my God given role within this type of relationship?

3. What can I learn/How is God bettering me through this conflict?

4. What action can I take to resolve this conflict without stepping out of the bounds of my role within the relationship?

5. How can I change to resolve this conflict?

6. How can I praise God for this conflict?

I agree that at face value this looks like it would solve nothing because it never even asks the question of "What is the conflict?" but let me give you a scenario that that is a true happening with my counsel to a teenager this week. The issue was that they could not get along with one or more of their parents and here is how these questions were used to resolve the conflict without me every knowing what any of the specific conflicts might be. (I still don't know what they were, it didn't matter.)

"I just don't know what to do... I a just can't get along with my [parent]" is what was told to me. Obviously then I knew that this was a conflict within a parent-child relationship, pointed this out to the person and went on to question number two. This person knows some basic Bible so I asked, "What are you God given role in your relationship? What does God tell you to do as your role within it?" and I had them look up Exodus 20.12 and Ephesians 6.1-3. It took a little while but the response came, "Obey your parents." They didn't really like hearing it but it was true and no matter how much it wasn't liked you can't really argue that instruction if your parents are creating you to break God's moral or spiritual laws. It was made clear that I was not trying to come down hard on anyone or take any ones side in the issue except for God's and we moved on to the next question. "How can God better me through this conflict?" Pretty soon answers came; learning to listen to authority. learning to get a long with people. learning to submit. humility. The list could go on and on... but it hadn't been thought of like this before.
In life we like to look at how we are being wronged and mistreated... victims to everyone and everything, instead of as over comers who can take any situation and see it as a chance that God is strengthening us. Once we had established that this was a way for God to better our lives; even through conflict, then we could move toward possible resolutions because now we had the correct perspective.
"What action can I take to resolve this conflict without stepping out of the bounds of my role within the relationship?" There were some suggested actions mentioned and discussed but some quite different then they would have been if we had not already established our roles and perspective. Then came the kicker, the point that we hate the most because it reverse our nature and selfish way of thinking. We asked the question "How can I change to resolve this conflict?" You can't consider this question if you are still thinking you are right and they are wrong and that is it! Sure, they may be wrong, and you may be right but one thing still stands: you can't change them but you can change yourself. In the case with this teenager and likely with yours, both parties were wanting to be in charge but when you examine the God given roles it was not both of their positions to be in charge. Again, if you hadn't already established the roles you couldn't get to this question. This all leads us to the last question, "How can I praise God for this conflict?" When you resolve a conflict you will find out that it has only strengthened your relationship regardless of who may have had the biggest peace of humble pie to swallow. If it were not for the conflict your relationship would not be as strong as it is afterward and for that you need to thank God... but please, don't see this as an excuse to create another conflict, they will come again soon enough.

God did not intend for his prized creation to live continually at odds with each other so don't. Seek peace with God, man, and even your family. Focus on what God has done and is doing even in the face of conflict and praise him for it. No one would ever have victory it there had never been a war.